If we continue to approach the work of peace and peace education from a conflict resolution perspective, our strategies will not be sustainable. The reason for this is that the human mind is in constant flux. Accordingly, the “reasons” for peace and non-violence today, may no longer apply the moment someone changes their mind.
Minds change all the time. They are supposed to, actually. That is how they are operate.
Sustainable peace, then, is not something that should be approached from such a limited and temperamental perspective, but from the wisdom that is beyond reason; beyond the human mind.
I’ve been contemplating this for a little while– specifically, the people who have, whether intentionally or unintentionally “grinded” me; meaning that they caused me to reassess, re-think, and re-evaluate, whether personally or professionally, some aspect of my life.
The “grinders” are not easy people. They’re not supposed to be. Their sole (soul) purpose is to show you where you have work to do because you have not fully integrated your own trueness. That’s it.
Getting into any kind of ego battle with a grinder is not only ridiculous, it is wasteful of your energy and creativity. “Grinders” are learning too by the way, and you, in fact, are a “grinder” to them/for them! (in Buddhist teachings, the “grinder” is only yourself– there is no “other”).
Ultimately, the “grinders” are a gift because they represent the fullest vision and version of something you yourself find intolerable, and in doing so, provide an incredible opportunity to consciously change.
And the “shiners”?……they are represented in everyone and everything, actually. Anyone who makes you shine, lights you up, awakens some aspect of yourself, is a shiner– and that includes the grinders……especially the grinders!
This suggestion, to practice seeing the good, is a simple, powerful, and life-changing one.
While at first, this may feel fake, stupid, or even disingenuous, there are solid and scientifically-backed reasons why implementing such a practice will improve your life, work, and health.
Intentionally changing our neurocircuitry and neurochemistry requires attention, followed by action. With every thought, emotion, and action we create, or don’t, we are literally creating “code” in our body. Consequently, this creates a vibrational sequence (we now know that everything in the universe is energy) that either promotes or hinders our health and well-being, and that of those closest to us (see the work by Fowler & Christakis on connection and the power of networks).
When we practice seeing the good, we are affirming life as it truly is. When we affirm and accept, we create less resistance– in fact, we are yielding to what is…and when we yield to what is, we are free (yes, free!) to chose, move, create from a place of clarity and conviction, not one of fear and anger.
When we begin to see through the lens of gratitude, arguments become obsolete (you are only arguing with yourself, anyway); competition becomes a repugnant option; and you see, quite clearly, that supporting and enhancing your own trueness is what makes true progress occur; not destroying the other, but consciously creating the new you.
It seems paradoxical that something as gentle as gratitude, could be so powerful. Like any other contemplative practice, it has the potential to transform the way we live and work…but only if we practice it.
In 2017, I took part in a beautiful experiment. The “365 Days Together” initiative by INSIGHT TIMER challenged our community to meditate every day. Given my schedule and commitments, I honestly wondered if I could even do it. I’m grateful that I tried.
How did I do? Well, while I did not meditate 365 consecutively, (my longest span was 332 days), I have, since the start of my time with this app, meditated for a total of 938 days, and sat for 995 sessions.
What I found through my practice is that even on the days I did not actually sit down and use the APP, I was moving through my day with a different awareness and energy. Essentially, my actual life became my spiritual practice that day.
While “sitting down to meditate” is critically important, what I’ve noticed is that my waking life; my thoughts and behaviors (e.g. the way I expend and conserve my energy and what I choose to create) have become their own meditation, too….which invariably makes me long for increased and deeper communion through my meditation practice.
There’s no question that meditation has transformed my life. In order to become a better mother, educator, coach, and writer, I had to become a better student. I had to be willing to begin again, and again, and again– to sit and practice radical presence, patience, and self-compassion. More importantly, I had to be willing to ask myself better questions. I had to be willing to miss the mark and to embrace these seeming “failings” as an inherent and essential part of my own journey and transformation.
This year, what are you willing to try for 365 days?
Have you ever wanted to keep track of the things you are most grateful for each day? Have you ever wanted to look back at the people, things, and experiences that helped you evolve personally and professionally?
The GRATITUDE YEARBOOK is a tool to help you capture life-changing and heart-warming insights, as well as invite you into the contemplative practice of gratitude journaling.
Here are the basic specs for the journal:
Amazon List Price: $22.00 7" x 10" (17.78 x 25.4 cm) Black & White on White paper 162 pages ISBN-13: 978-1983420030
The benefits of gratitude journaling and practices are numerous. At its core, practicing gratitude helps us shift and focus our attention towards the beauty and grace that is all around us-- even in (especially in!) the midst of challenging circumstances.
Done over time, these "soft practices" are actually quite powerful and life-changing, so much so, that companies and organizations are integrating these and other mindful practices into their professional training and development programs.
As personal development is inextricably linked to professional performance, we know that taking the time to intentionally appreciate, is one of the greatest investments one could make for themselves, and for those they lead and serve.
On this momentous day (solar eclipse 2017), as I join so many others around our country and the world doing the deeper work required for mutual understanding and personal peace, I wanted to tend to the obvious; the “isms”.
The isms are co-constructed ideas. These “beliefs”, which continue to plague us and cause such suffering have landed squarely on our collective laps.
Clearly, it is up to each of us to “re-construct” new ways of thinking and being. Our health and the health of our world is at stake. That is how important this is.
We cannot, nor will we ever achieve understanding and peace through the use of force or fear. Sadly, we have a long and painful history of doing just this. Are you going to do more of the same? Or, are you willing to try something new to help reduce your own suffering and aggression?
As with all beliefs, these “isms” can be abandoned or changed at any time. Which are you ready to re-think and re-construct?
Consumerism– belief that the purchase and/or consumption of a product can reduce your innate sense of inadequacy.
Patriotism/nationalism – belief that your country is the best in the world and/or the only one that matters.
Ageism– belief that people outside your age group are somehow incompetent and/or unproductive.
Sexism– belief that individuals, who don’t have the same gender as you, are not as competent, and those who have multiple genders, somehow flawed, pathological, or confused.
Racism– belief that individuals from a race different than yours, are less human than you.
Terrorism (interpersonal, domestic, national and global) – belief that the annihilation, control, or destruction of anyone/anything that espouses views different than yours, is the only way to ensure peace, progress, and the good of all.
Unmasking your own “isms”:
OBSERVE: Become aware of the ways you either contribute to or are triggered by the beliefs and behaviors of others;
SELF-CARE: If/when triggered, separate yourself (by yourself, for yourself) to explore your own beliefs and do not seize this exploration until you understand your “why”;
INTEGRATION: We do not help anyone or anything by “destroying” it/them, but by changing the dynamic, which requires a change in OUR beliefs and behaviors (not “theirs”).
PRACTICE: Allow all that you “resist” to teach you about the fullness of humanity in order to practice personal peace.
This is deep and ongoing work—all of this. It is soul-work, and it is everyone’s “work”.
Civility is a democratic and human value; one of basic respect for fellow human beings.
Violence is a symptom of a lack of civility; it is the visible evidence of a fearful and diminished mind; one that is incapable (or unaware) that to be human, requires co-existence. In other words, that one live and let live— without threat– without insult — without abuse.
“Violence is what happens when we don’t know what else to do with our suffering.” – Parker J. Palmer
Sadly many, (too many) people in our communities live in violent conditions. Unless they/we know what to do with this suffering, it can lead to two common responses:
2. more violence
How do we respond to fear and anger, and towards those who shout insults, demean, abuse, marginalize, threaten, kill? Until someone comes up with a better plan, I’m going to defer to the truth which has been told to us by sages and spiritual leaders, as well as by our contemporary peacemakers.
“We urgently need to bring to our communities the limitless capacity to love, serve, and create for and with each other. We urgently need to bring the neighbor back into our hoods, not only in our inner cities but also in our suburbs, our gated communities, on Main Street and Wall Street, and on Ivy League campuses.” – Grace Lee Boggs
For anyone who believes “love is weak” or that to love those who hate is an exercise in futility, I would like to offer that the “love” is for those who can accept and receive it– those who have already gone through several cycles of violence and paralysis, and who know, deeply and intimately, that the first person who needs this “love”, is actually themselves. That is the game changer– the thing that neutralizes fear and enables a sliver of imagination to spring forth.
Civility, as with all other health behaviors, begins with the self. It starts with you. Only then, is it freely and effortlessly expressed outwardly and infinitely.
This is a real thing. Simply put, the negativity bias is a conditioned response from your brain.
We all have a negativity bias, by the way. It is our “shark music” (Kristie’sterm), and that part of us that exists to alert us of real, or perceived danger. It represents one input (just one) of many and often competing inputs and possible responses to our environment. When we operate from this space, it is common to distort a person or situation. It is the kind of primitive mentality that justifies hatred and prejudice. In its most benign forms, it is a form of fixed-mindedness that can imprison even the most rational among us. Carried to its extreme, only death of the “other” will suffice.
How do you know if you’re operating from this mentality? Fear and its usual companions, restlessness, anger, hate, or aggressiveness, are often the clue. Understanding what these emotions are telling us about ourselves, requires some intentional (and uncomfortable) tuning-in and listening to our own soundtrack.
Do you wish to master your mind, or do you wish to remain its servant? This is a choice only you can make. By becoming better aware of your own scary and negative soundtrack, you not only decrease the incidence of projection (assigning your fears and aggressions unto others), but you create space for a new choice and voice; one that will enable you to neutralize your negativity bias, and replace it with a conscious and thoughtful response instead.
This is probably one of the most paradoxical and challenging aspects of being a human being; letting go.
How can one embrace life and also let it go? This question used to haunt me and grew painfully loud when I became a mother.
Life and death are a single point in our existence. For anything to be born, something else dies, which then makes the “thing that died”, part of the living thing.
It has taken me many years to fully understand that letting go is both a spiritual and practical practice; one that is critical to my overall health, productivity, and well-being. There are countless teachers and books to guide one through the process, but the best “teacher” is your own life.
Letting go is one of the biggest “advancers” of consciousness– it can literally transform your human experience from one of chronic suffering (mental, emotional, and physical), to one of personal freedom and peace.
Father Richard Rohr has a passage in one of his books about “the colonized, the marginalized, the recovered, etc.” as a sub-set of our human family who are intimately aware of the necessity of forgiveness and the letting go of the distortions that block personal reconciliation and healing.
How do you reconcile (literally) the injustices, crimes, and ongoing abuses of fellow human beings? For anyone who has ever “done me wrong” (harassed, abused, threatened me), I see that I have two options:
Option A (my ego): engage with “my attacker” and fight back
Option B (my soul): understand their pain and suffering (their distortion) and let go
From the words of Jesus, near the moments of his own death, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:24), there are few more poignant reminders of the power of understanding and forgiveness.
Letting go is not a sign of weakness. To yield and release has been one of the most profound practices of my life. This is true in everyone’s life. Yes, your ego (Option A) will always tell you otherwise. Fact is, however, that letting go is a conscious and awakened choice and the quickest route to the birth of something new.